Fear

Randomly at times I am gripped by fear. It comes suddenly. Or maybe its always there in the background, ready to spring when time comes. I keep this kind of fear to myself. I cant tell my family, they face the same fear too. We all know of it. It moves around in the shadows, but we all act as if it doesn't exist. Its unspoken and understood.
If I hear a freaky story somewhere, something involving ghosts or maybe murderers on the loose, I have to tell someone. I tell my whole family, maybe while we are eating dinner or something. They either laugh or ask me why I had to tell them such a story, I tell because in some ways it makes me less afraid. Or so I feel.
People tell me I am strange. I am afraid of the dark, fear ghosts and the supernatural. Hate watching scary movies, don't sleep for many nights when I watch them. They ask how is it that you handle the bigger fears so much better. I think everyone is capable of that. When the situation comes everyone hides those fears to do what is to be done. I have seen so many do that. Especially those who are afraid of the dark ;)
When I was a freshman in high school, in our bio class we watched a movie(based on true events) about a man who came through windows, kidnapped girls while they were sleeping, and later raped and killed them. For weeks after that I always kept all my windows closed, I was very afraid of the dark, and went through many sleepless nights. What I didn't realize was many of the girls in my class were going through the same fear. Months later when we had forgotten about the movie I came to learn of that. Maybe if I had found out before, I would have shared the fear with them, and maybe felt a little less afraid.
Everyone lives in fear. Fear of something. Rich man lives in fear that he wont make as much profit as he made the year before. Student afraid he wont pass his class. Politician is afraid of not being reelected. What makes a man hurt another? Fear. Fear is the root of everything. As Vivekananda said,"Fear is death, fear is sin, fear is hell, fear is unrighteousness. All the negative thoughts and ideas that are in this world have proceeded from this evil spirit of fear" So what do we do, do we stop fearing everything?
When someone hits you, what do you do. You either hit them back or you don't. Say you don't. Why don't you? Is it because you believe in peace, you truly believe in Mahatma Gandhi's words, "Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind", or is it because you are afraid. Should fear be the reason why your not hitting back. When someone is attacking your world, do you not fight back because your afraid. When people attack you, those you love---ultimately to create fear. Do you succumb to it, and not attack back because of it?

Darkness

I found this poem while I was cleaning my room. I don't remember when I wrote it. Thought I'll put it here.
_______________________________________________________________________

Darkness.
When I was young it haunted me in the night.
It enveloped me, like a black velvety blanket.
But that darkness of the night doesn't haunt me anymore.
Its the darkness of the heart that does.

As I walk down the road, it sneers as it hides behind the building.
Its there as I walk past the drug dealers.
Its still there as suicide bombers crash, as soldiers die in the battles.
Its there as I walk past dead bodies, its face triumphant as if it has won.
But has it?

It still hasn't touched me.
It hasn't won.
Because however much hate there is in the world.
Love still lives and wins.

Krisna

As I passed him, all seemed to stop for a few moments.

The boy with the kind smile,
I knew it was HIM.
The dark skinned child with the mysterious smile,
I knew it was HIM.
The dimpled cheek, the crooked smile,
I knew it was HIM.
The strange look in the eyes,
I knew it was HIM.
The confident stance,
I knew it was HIM.
The glance into my soul,
I knew it was HIM.
The look of one very wise, the eternal knowledge in his eyes--too strange for such a young child,
I knew it was HIM.

People think I am crazy, but deep in my heart I feel, the dark skinned child with the beautiful smile was definitely HIM.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Fear Not. What is not real, never was and never will be. What is real, always was and cannot be destroyed."
-Bhagavad Gita

Diamonds in the dark

I was driving into the night because there was too much waiting, I did not want to wait there staring at the people walking or at the other people who were also waiting. I didn't want to feel like I was in the middle of everyone, everything, even when I really wasn't. And so I passed the bus stop without stopping, and drove off into a direction I had never gone to. I passed a lab, a couple of odd buildings, a few houses, but eventually there were no longer any houses or buildings, only trees and small lanes branching off. My thoughts turned to myself. I realized suddenly what a fool I had been. The grandest one. Others had fooled me, and I had fooled myself. I grinned in the darkness. It was almost laugh out loud funny. Almost. And what was this new character I had developed? I asked myself. I answered back: A mask. A mask? How pathetic. And scary. When I looked into the mirror, was it a stranger I saw? Or me with a mask? Or well, just me? Maybe it wasn't a mask. It was just what I have become, what I am becoming. A thought far more scarier. I don't know, I said to myself. You don't know. Myself told me. I said out load: I am a fool who is pathetic, malicious and confused. Then I did laugh out loud. My own laughter brought me out of my thoughts and I suddenly remembered, that I had to head back to the bus stop. So I entered into one of the side paths. This path turned out darker than the road I had turned from. Suddenly I felt a choking sense of defeat. In the process of taking a U-turn, I stopped. I asked myself. How had I let everything happen so? Or was it really I who had let it happen? I stayed so for a few moments thinking, until I sensed a moment in the trees lining the path. I turned the car towards the trees unknowingly, and there in the complete darkness I saw a pair of eyes. Shining. Fear gripped me. I froze. I stared at them, and the eyes stared back at me. I saw nothing but the eyes. What could they belong to? Moments passed. Suddenly the deer stepped forward. Its beauty startled me. And I felt relieved. Not only from fear but something else. The deer walked off into the woods, and I turned the car around and went back to the bus stop, no longer thinking about my self.

Reputo...Facio

Maybe it had always been so, but I didn't know that. I had walked in the first time and discovered what I thought as chaos. Books strewn everywhere, note papers scattered about, chairs placed randomly. It wasn't a large room but the way everything was oriented, it seemed large enough to get lost in. To my joy I looked around to discover no one about. I settled at one the many tables, the particular one had Plato's "Apology" and "Leviathan" by Hobbes on it. I didn't look at them though, because I hadn't come here to read. I was here to think. Really think. By myself. Think. Think. Think. Thats all.
And so I thought. Kept on thinking. So many thoughts. That's until a man entered the room pulling me out of my caliginous thoughts. The man was old. White hair, wrinkly skin. He was very tall, almost gangly. But what really seemed to stand out were his eyes. Twinkly, bright, full of life. Without asking he pulled one of the chairs and sat down.
"Ooh so you have discovered the room."
I didn't say anything. Just stared.
"How do you like it?"
It was a question, that I needed to answer.
"Its chaotic"
"Well....how do you like it though?"
I thought about it. Did I like the room. It was too disoriented.
"I dont hate it nor love it. Its too disoriented for me"
"Well then, stop thinking so much and go make it the way you want"
I wasnt sure what he was talking about, so I just stared.
"Stop thinking soo much about your life or this room for that matter, act! Make it the way you want to. Stop thinking.Act.Right now.Go"
I stood up. His words almost like a an awakenning of some kind. I looked around the room. I put the chairs where they belong, I stacked the notepapers, put the books back on the shelf. And soon the room was less chaotic.
By the time I came back to the table, the man was gone.
Since that day I came to that chaotic room everyday. But I never saw him again. I looked for his in the hallways. In other rooms. But never saw him.
But I always remember the old man with the twinkly eyes. Who made me act more, think a bit less.

Shallow Friendship

Hadn't they both expected something more from each other?
They had. For sure.
And expectations always seem to betray them.
And it has now once again.

There is a aloofness about them now.
So easy for it to be gone.
But they fail to see that. Or don't let their so called "dignity" see it.
Or maybe they do, and think the other doesn't.

They try to act normal with each other, but the awkwardness is apparent.
The old companionship is long gone.
Why so?
Because they fail to recognize to each other, that it has.

Maybe when they will.
Slowly the old familiarity will be back.
Maybe their friendship will emerge stronger?

Till then.
They will go on sharing a superficial bond.
And missing those old wonderful moments they had together.

The dark hollows

Short crisp hair. Gangly. Hooked nose.
Three forgot. One would always remember.
Crooked smile.
Another changed.

Three forgot. Forgot?
Will never remember.

The lonely table. The suppressed grins.
The vast hallways, too narrow to hide.

The brown bag. The red circled calender.
The brown cupcake. The red nose.

The old friend now foe.
The high nose(with something smelly under it)

The deep ditch. The high jump.
The prickly feeling. The unpleasant words.

The shrill calls. The push in the back.
The narrow eyes. The "supposed" all knowing smile.

Whispered looks, the unanswerable questions.
The dark throat. Unpleasant comment heard.

The pitiful looks, the rushed tears.
The ganging up. The whispered conversations.

Unnoticed self. The purpose of class discussion.
A rumor? started.
Bringing everything down.

The so called "knowing" me.

The dark hollows of the brain. Not to be seen.
Not ones for which the light should be shown.