Anamika

Started writing this fictional short story a long time ago. Finished it only recently. Hope you enjoy it. Do leave comments. Thanks...
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I dont know what made me decide. I was just sitting on a rock, and the waves were washing agaisnt it. It was night, there was a moon, very large and beautiful. Nothing else. No bustling tourists, no lone figures in the distance, no lovers with their hands entwined, no one. It was a calm night. Just me, my thoughts, and memories. The dark memories that always haunted me. When I wasnt with other people, or wasnt watching TV or reading, or at work, they came back to keep me company. Not that I wanted them but they came anyway. And then there was the guilt, but worse than that was the pain that came along. It came suddenly, searing through me, the tears would roll down my eyes, and momentarily the pain and the tears would blind me from everthing except the truth. Sometimes I tried ignoring it, but it never worked. It just stayed there like a bad taste, lingering, not leaving even after rinsing the mouth. So while sitting on that rock I decided. I would go to the hospital. And do what I was always afraid to do...
I started for the hospital the next day itself after my usual Saturday shopping. While going to the hospital I wondered what he would say, maybe he'll throw things at me, or scream or what? I could'nt think of anything pleasant,I made up scenarios in my head of what may happen, but nothing made much sense.
The hospital was a dingy place, with a couple of broken windows and the paint peeling off in places. It had an air of an abandoned building, though it wasnt. I had passed it hundreds of time in the last few years, but never dared go in. By the time I reached and parked my car, it was well after my usual lunchtime and yet I felt no hunger. Instead I felt an aching numbness and an unknown desire to throw up. Nervousness, and fear. Worse than I had imagined. What was I afraid of? The blame, the well deserved blame.
The first thing I noticed about the hospital was the smell. The smell was strong, suffocating, the smell of medicines, white bandages, red and yellow. I had liked the smell once, a long time ago when I was young. But now it made me double over with grief, as sharp vivid images flew into my head. I tried ignoring them and walked to the desk where a woman was sitting, reading a film magazine. She looked up as I approacehd her. I sttaggered as I spoke to her. She seemed to be used to visitors and patients with nervous breakdowns because without blinking an eye she looked up the name and told me where to go.
I paused before going into the room, as the door was closed. I felt uneasy, maybe I should leave. Yet I knocked on the door. Nothing. And then a moment later a voice. Clear and surprised? "Come in". I entered the room and closed the door behind me. The boy was lying on a cot with blankets upto his chest. He was bald and his skin was pale, very pale. I felt myself going livid. And then unexpected tears. He looked worse than I had imagined, much worse. And his eyes so empty and sad. Sad. I remembered my brother.
He spoke first.
" Um...who are you?"
I wondered if he would remember. Maybe. Maybe not. And then he said,
" You seemed to have come to the wrong place. I am an AIDS patient".
I didnt know what to say.
" I..I have come to visit you".
His expression was one of surprise.
"Are you a doctor, nurse?", "no".
I didnt say anything, just started at him. He stared back, with a look of curiousity and concern?
" I have come to talk to you about something important, really important"
He tilted his head sideways, looking at me like a child,
" um..but I dont seem to know you, have we met before?"
I thought about that. Have we? Not really, I had seen him before but he hasnt seen me. Almost four years ago, lying on a cot similar to this one, unconsious. And lying on another cot had been my brother.
I sat down on a chair, a rickety chair with uneven legs. He must have sensed something, for he asked,
" you alright mam?"
"yea I am fine"
He smiled, showing his teeth, which were yellow.
" I never get any visitors, except my brother, so it seems strange someone have come to see me"
I tried smiling back. But could'nt.
"Anirudh, do you remember who ingested you with the HIV virus?...do you?"
He looked perplexed.
" No I am afraid not, I don't know his name. But he...he had AIDS, I know that. He was..."
He paused and looked up.
" Why do you ask?"
" His name was Anant. He was my brother."
There was a pause. I could hear the traffic outside.
"ooh...How is he doing, is he any better?"
I looked up. His face showed genuine concern. I was moved. Was he not angry?
" He died. Killed himself"
He let out an involuntary sigh. I looked up and continued.
" What he did was wrong, but it wasnt his fault. It was mine. It was me, my parents. We made his do that."
He didnt say anything. I could feel the tears trickling down my face.
" When we found out he had HIV. We sent him to a hospital, far away from us. We didnt visit his once. All we could about was the family name. What would people think when they knew Anant had AIDS, we could'nt let them know. We shut him off from out lives. He tried reaching us, running away from the hospital. But each time he was thown out, and sent back. I wanted to visit, my parents did too. But we never did. We took away all the light from his life. And then one day he ran away from the hospital again. This time he didnt come home, instead he ran into a restaurant, the place you worked in. And he...."
Another pause.
" It wasnt his fault. He was always a nice, caring...the circumstaces turned him into..."
I looked at him. There were tears in his eyes.
" The reason you are like this today, is me. Only me. Not my brother. "
He didnt say, he looked at me with his caring gaze.
I dont know how long I sat there like that. Crying. It might have been minutes, hours...
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Anirudh died a year ago. Fifteen years after he was infected. He died suddenly. And I would like to think happily. Only two days before his death, he told me and his brother, how he was ready to die, die a happy man. We both told him to shut his mouth and eat. And the moment passed as quickly as it came. Now I hope that he had meant what he said...
Anshul is working in the town now, no longer living with me. He comes every weekend and we go to the shore often. And as I sit on a rock watching him talk I often feel like I am seeing both Anirudh and Anant talking along. Or maybe its just a trick of my eye in the moon's light.