The one behind the smile

A smile without the wrinkles near the eyes,
that's always a given, regardless of what.
A real smile...rarely seen, like rain on a parched land.
So good at masking the real pain, hiding everything from everyone, all the time.
So few times can the real feeling be seen, fluttering over the face, momentarily.
Where does the strength come from? The persistence? The resiliency?
I don't know.
Hope? Or the strong will to never do any wrong to another.

Blame. The blame on oneself, for others mistakes.
Doing no wrong, yet feeling as if she has.
Doubting the natural feelings as being unnatural.

The smallest of joy make her truly happy.
Yet these small joys rarely seem to come her way.

But nonetheless I have hope for her.
The tunnel is long.
But I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And I hope my eyes aren't playing tricks on me.

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For you...

You know who "you" are.

"Tum itna kyu muskura rahe ho...kya ghum hain jisko chupa rahe ho"

Thinking...

Here I am thinking about it again. Its always triggered by something...maybe recalling an old memory, or reading a random conversation. Here I am thinking about something entirely different but it somehow leads to me thinking about this. Its annoying really. Not just the whole thinking part but also the fact that I am thinking about it. So why am I annoyed...because I find you fickle. But that's absurd...I mean how can I say that, when I barely understand you. Just because I knew of your dark memories long before you told me doesn't mean I know you. Hell...I never understood you...nor will I ever. And what else is annoying....ooh the fact that....you never tell me anything...I mean you do, but not what's important. You will tell me something significant...and then the next time you will act like you never told me that. One day its one thing, another day its something else. And what do you really think of me. Or should I say....what am I to you? Again one day you'll act in a certain way towards me...and the next day a complete flip. So what is the truth. What you said yesterday? What you said today? Or what your going to say tomorrow? Or were you speaking the truth all three days? Even when they were paradoxical?...why I am thinking of all this? Really what am I to you...most probably...a bystander....a friend who is a stranger....but really why such secretiveness, why such fickleness....am I judging you? I should stop....because I have no right to judge you...because I really don't know you...not that I should judge even if I knew you, but for that matter there won't be any judging then because hell then I would just know you. Ok....I should stop this. Now. The thinking. As I have always when I start thinking about this....

Changes

The names on the list bought tears to my eyes.
Not just the names themselves.
What they indicated. What they meant.
But it wasnt just that list and those names. It was all the news going around.
The changes bought on to others lives.
Not mine but others.
Even though I am not taking those steps. Its not I who is moving on. It still feels very real.
It feels as if it will happen to me too, all of a sudden.
And that is scary.
Ofcourse I am waiting for some changes. But other changes I feel I am not ready for.
I will miss all these people. Those who are taking the next step. Those entering a new phase in their lives.
Good luck to you all. May all your dreams become real. And all your expectations stay true.

"Everything changes but change itself. Everything flows and nothing remains the same..."

The mysterious follower

A warm night with a velvety sky.
The watch read, 10:35.
Tiredness swept me down as I lugged along,
across the grass to my car.
And suddenly I heard something, a footstep?
I could feel someone right behind me.
Fear made me shiver, and my heart hammered
maybe a thief or a murderer?
My back stiffened with fear, and my legs felt numb.
Everything turned hazy...unclear
Only the smell of chowmein stayed prominent
I thought of turning and looking at my intruder
but fear kept me walking straight.
As I neared my car the intruder came closer.
Did he sense that my escape was near?
Atlast I reached my carolla and in my hurry
dropped the packet of my chowmein.
I got into the car, locked my doors and felt safe.
My fear left giving way to my curiosity.
I looked out to see my follower,
only to find a poor little dog
eating what
was to
appease
my grumbling
stomach.

Labels

How easily we give labels.
She is nice. She is mean.
He is good. He is bad.
She is an animal lover. He is a soccer fanatic.
And we change them so quickly too.
She is nice one today. And mean the next day.
And we all give different labels.
One says she is nice, the other says she is mean.
But what defines being nice. Being mean. Being a soccer fanatic.
And really, is that all a person is. Nice. Mean. Bad. Good. This. Or that.
How easily we throw such adjectives out without considering what they really mean.
And whether they constitute the entire person.
What they are like in the many instances of their life. What they do every moment.
What all they have experienced, or are experiencing. What conditions they live in.
How they react. What they say. What they think. What they feel.
Really, is it enough to see the few instances of their life.
Is that enough, to really know them, understand them.
Is that enough, to label them.
And is that label enough to describe the whole person that they are?

Odonata...Disturbia...Thoughts

Large eyes,(angled or rounded)

Seven segmented or four

Cordulidae? Gomphidae?

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Why such ego? Idiocrasy? cruelty?

I dont know.

.

.

Or is it just me? Looking at it in some strange way.

.

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"No more gas, in the rig, can't even get it started. Nothing heard, nothing said, can't even speak about it. On my life, on my head, don't wanna think about it. Feels like I'm going insane, yeah..."

.

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Confusion. Overthinking. Overanalyzing.

.

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Lateral spines( on segment seven or eight)

Lestidea? Colopterygidae?

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Fear

Randomly at times I am gripped by fear. It comes suddenly. Or maybe its always there in the background, ready to spring when time comes. I keep this kind of fear to myself. I cant tell my family, they face the same fear too. We all know of it. It moves around in the shadows, but we all act as if it doesn't exist. Its unspoken and understood.
If I hear a freaky story somewhere, something involving ghosts or maybe murderers on the loose, I have to tell someone. I tell my whole family, maybe while we are eating dinner or something. They either laugh or ask me why I had to tell them such a story, I tell because in some ways it makes me less afraid. Or so I feel.
People tell me I am strange. I am afraid of the dark, fear ghosts and the supernatural. Hate watching scary movies, don't sleep for many nights when I watch them. They ask how is it that you handle the bigger fears so much better. I think everyone is capable of that. When the situation comes everyone hides those fears to do what is to be done. I have seen so many do that. Especially those who are afraid of the dark ;)
When I was a freshman in high school, in our bio class we watched a movie(based on true events) about a man who came through windows, kidnapped girls while they were sleeping, and later raped and killed them. For weeks after that I always kept all my windows closed, I was very afraid of the dark, and went through many sleepless nights. What I didn't realize was many of the girls in my class were going through the same fear. Months later when we had forgotten about the movie I came to learn of that. Maybe if I had found out before, I would have shared the fear with them, and maybe felt a little less afraid.
Everyone lives in fear. Fear of something. Rich man lives in fear that he wont make as much profit as he made the year before. Student afraid he wont pass his class. Politician is afraid of not being reelected. What makes a man hurt another? Fear. Fear is the root of everything. As Vivekananda said,"Fear is death, fear is sin, fear is hell, fear is unrighteousness. All the negative thoughts and ideas that are in this world have proceeded from this evil spirit of fear" So what do we do, do we stop fearing everything?
When someone hits you, what do you do. You either hit them back or you don't. Say you don't. Why don't you? Is it because you believe in peace, you truly believe in Mahatma Gandhi's words, "Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind", or is it because you are afraid. Should fear be the reason why your not hitting back. When someone is attacking your world, do you not fight back because your afraid. When people attack you, those you love---ultimately to create fear. Do you succumb to it, and not attack back because of it?

Darkness

I found this poem while I was cleaning my room. I don't remember when I wrote it. Thought I'll put it here.
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Darkness.
When I was young it haunted me in the night.
It enveloped me, like a black velvety blanket.
But that darkness of the night doesn't haunt me anymore.
Its the darkness of the heart that does.

As I walk down the road, it sneers as it hides behind the building.
Its there as I walk past the drug dealers.
Its still there as suicide bombers crash, as soldiers die in the battles.
Its there as I walk past dead bodies, its face triumphant as if it has won.
But has it?

It still hasn't touched me.
It hasn't won.
Because however much hate there is in the world.
Love still lives and wins.